Ralph Sheheen is the Guy Fieri of Supercross

Hi, I am Ralph Sheheen, and we are rolling out to find the best indoor tracks the United States has to offer on Monster Energy Supercross.

I cannot believe it has taken me this long to figure out what a national treasure Ralph Sheheen is for this sport. For years and years all of you Internet dweebs have talked down about him. You have made fun of him and spread harsh rumors about replacing him for years, which is a damn shame. 

My man Ralph is the golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory. He knows famous people and they know him, whether it is musicians, B-list reality show people, or world class chef’s like Guy Fieri. Did you know that Fieri and Sheheen are friends? I just found this out and I could not be more excited. 

I simply threw out a “Hey Ralph, hope you’re well my man,” tweet and then bam suddenly I am in the middle of Flavortown looking for the next place to chow down on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

You know how Fieri hands out knuckle sandwiches on Instagram and Twitter? Well, Ralph hit me with a knuckle-checkered flag, which is so much cooler. Let’s make this a thing. Ask Ralph for a knuckle checkered flag and then have your friends ask for one too. It is an amazing feeling when he throws one your way. 

Without Ralph, you would have a difficult time feeling hyped up during the race. His strong delivery is iconic. He is simply a huge race fan who gets to live his dream in the booth, and you cannot hate on that. His job is ridiculously hard, and he runs the show. Also, you would not have any drinking games without his key sayings. You know, whenever Roczen is inside of Tomac you take a drink.

I will never forget the shit storm you guys had when Leigh Duffy took over the booth for a few rounds this year. You were not happy about Ralph sitting the races out and at that time you truly should have realized how much of a gem he really is. 

I have this theory that if Ralph could get away with frosted tips and a bowling shirt then he would wear that for us every Saturday night. 

We need Ralph. He has the keys to the Lawrencebrotherstown, which is a lot like Flavortown, except instead of food it is full of two teenaged Australian boys. However, do not hate on Ralph for liking the Lawrence brothers, everyone does. He sees them for the marketing value they are—and you should too. He is a genius.  

Anyway, I will wrap this column up or as my good friend Ralph says, “Light the candles.”

Ralph is in boot camp right now getting his voice right. It is a combination of pickle juice, Riccolas, and the sweat of Dig Dugs. Do not tell him I told you his secret serum for success. 

Oh, and next time you see Ralph out and about drink it all in. This is his 47th year announcing Supercross and we don’t know when he’ll call it quits. We need Ralph more than Ralph needs Supercross. Count your blessings that he chooses to announce every season.

We will see you in a few weeks, Mr. Sheheen and I think I speak for EVERYONE in the entire world when I say thank you for being such a legend.